


Two of a Kind

by Crematosis, Menatiera



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Asexual Bruce Banner, Asexual Natasha Romanov, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Deaf Clint Barton, F/M, First Dates, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 19:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21397243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crematosis/pseuds/Crematosis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Menatiera/pseuds/Menatiera
Summary: Bruce's love life is a disaster and he's almost ready to give up on dating altogether. But Tony convinces him to give it one last try.
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark, Bruce Banner/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 9
Kudos: 78
Collections: Captain America Big Bang 2019 | cabigbang





	Two of a Kind

Bruce hummed to himself as he gave his appearance a last minute check in the mirror. In a few short minutes, he would be heading out for his third date with Abigail Monsato. To most people, a third date probably wasn’t that big of a deal, but given his track record with dating, it was a huge accomplishment.

It had been longer than he’d like to admit since he’d been on a third date. A second date, even, was pretty rare.

There could be a multitude of reasons why he didn’t make a connection with a particular woman. Some of his past dates just weren’t a good match for him personality-wise. Some of them had nothing in common with him and they found themselves with nothing to talk about. And some of them clearly had no interest in him at all and were just desperate for company, any company at all. But if the date hadn’t gone sideways already, everything usually fell apart once Bruce disclosed his asexuality.

The problem, as his best friend Tony liked to say, was that Bruce was too honest for his own good. There was no reason for him to disclose his sexuality on the first date and it wasn’t dishonest to wait until he knew the woman a little better to tell her something so personal; after all, Bruce wouldn’t expect her to share her sexual preferences on a first date, so why should he be required to do so? And if she got upset and accused him of leading her on, well, it wasn’t Bruce’s responsibility to manage people’s expectations or emotions. She shouldn’t assume that Bruce was heterosexual just because she was.

But Bruce knew how few people had actually heard of asexuality. He hadn’t been aware asexuality was a thing until his late twenties. College life had always seemed to revolve around sex. On Mondays, people talked about who they had hooked up with over the weekend or talked about who they planned on hooking up with at an upcoming party. They talked about who was hot, who was the best in bed, who was crazy for not sleeping with so and so.

In Tony’s circle of friends, Bruce heard a lot of that kind of talk, especially from Tony. Everywhere Tony went, he found somebody he wanted to flirt with. Sometimes multiple somebodies. Tony didn’t shy away from having multiple partners. Even when he had a regular girlfriend or boyfriend, he always had other lovers on the side. And somehow everyone was okay with the arrangement.

And Bruce just didn’t comprehend how someone could have sex with one person, let alone as many partners as Tony had. He had never felt that sort of attraction to anyone. For a long time, he had wondered if there was something wrong with him. If he was missing some vital piece of himself that was responsible for sexual attraction and he just wasn’t going to fit in with the rest of the world without it.

But then one day he had found a copy of People magazine sitting around in Tony’s lab. It was the issue featuring Tony on the front cover as Sexiest Man Alive, which explained why Tony had it. He had been looking for the article on Tony, but along the way stumbled upon an article on a singer named Angelique who identified as asexual. The article hadn’t explained asexuality in much detail, but Bruce was curious enough to do his own research and he was stunned to discover that he identified with what he was reading. He wasn’t alone. There were other people out there who felt some of the same things he had. The complete lack of sexual desire, the aversion to sex acts. It all fit within the asexuality spectrum. He wasn’t broken after all.

Finally having a word to describe himself felt very liberating and he couldn’t help but want to share his discovery with others. Sure, he wasn’t going to begin every date announcing his asexuality, but it was something he always disclosed before the date ended if it had all gone well and he had hopes for a continued relationship. He believed in being open and honest with all his dates. He saw no reason to hide who he was.

Usually that meant no second date. But that was okay. It was better to know upfront if they were incompatible, before feelings got involved. Feelings made everything more complicated. Bruce had plenty of experience with that. Still, he couldn’t help but feel discouraged as date after date went poorly.

But then he had met Abigail at one of Stark Industries’ charity parties.

She was an energetic, fun-loving woman who just wanted to get dressed up, go out, and have a good time. She had never treated him like a freak or implied something was wrong with him because he didn’t want sex. 

His phone rang on his bedside table and he quickly scooped it up, smiling at the familiar name displayed on screen. “Oh hey, Abbie.” He cradled the phone against his shoulder and gave his watch a quick glance. “I’m just about to head out. We’re still on for tonight, right?”

“Of course we are. I’ve been looking to this all week. I don’t know how I’d get through work without my Friday nights going out.”

Bruce chuckled. “I know the feeling.” Although he didn’t go out every weekend like Abigail did, he definitely looked forward to Fridays. He loved his job, but it was nice to kick back and relax after a long workweek. “So, what’s so important that it can’t wait until we’re at dinner?” 

“I found this really great sushi restaurant that I think we should try tonight.”

Bruce stared down at the phone in disbelief. “But we have reservations for Nur.”

“I know, baby, but I’ve really been craving sushi all week. And it’s been such a rough week. We’ll go to your little middle eastern restaurant next time, okay?”

Bruce sighed and swallowed down his disappointment. Nur was his favorite restaurant. He had been eating there practically since it opened and he had really been looking forward to the kubaneh and smoked eggplant carpaccio, but he supposed he could be fine with sushi. “Alright, if that’s what you’re really in the mood for. So, where are you thinking of?”

He knew plenty of sushi places, from the big fancy restaurants Tony had dragged him to all the way down to tiny, hole in the wall sorts of places. It was an exaggeration to say he’d eaten his way through every sushi place in Manhattan, but not by much. Just a block away from Nur, there was a small, family-run place that he was pretty familiar with. If that was the place Abigail was thinking of, it wouldn’t be a big deal. That restaurant was well within his budget, and since Tony had offered them the services of his driver for the night it would be a very simple matter of having Happy make just a slight detour.

“I’ve always heard Masa was a great sushi place.”

Bruce sucked in a sharp breath. Masa was well known as the most expensive sushi restaurant in the entire country. It would cost more than a thousand dollars for the two of them to eat there. And that was just the price of food alone. He didn’t even want to think about how much drinks would cost.

“There’s no way,” he said, once he found his voice again. “We can’t get into Masa. There’s got to be somewhere else you’d like to go for sushi. I know of a few really good places, we could try one of them instead?”

“I know we could get sushi any old place, but I want to go someplace good. I don’t want to get sick from subpar sushi.”

Bruce frowned. He didn’t like what she was implying. Sure, Masa probably had very good sushi. People wouldn’t be willing to pay so much for it if it wasn’t good. But the high price tag didn’t necessarily mean it was the best sushi. There were probably hundreds of smaller sushi restaurant in the country that were just as good if not better. They just didn’t have the clout of a well-known chef.

He understood her wariness to eat someplace new, especially if she had ever experienced food poisoning. Food safety was very important and improperly prepared sushi could be very dangerous. But there was no reason to assume that only the most prestigious restaurant in the country could safely make sushi. That just smacked of elitism. Besides, she had surely eaten sushi before if she was really craving it. Why wasn’t she willing to go to that same place again? Why did it have to be Masa? 

“I would never take you someplace with subpar sushi,” he assured her. “There are plenty of good sushi places all around New York. They may not be Masa-level good, but they won’t make you sick. I promise.”

“Sweetheart,” she whined. “I don’t feel like you’re actually listening to me. Don’t you love me and care about my health and safety?”

“I do care,” he said. “But there’s no way I can get us in to Masa, especially on such short notice.”

“But you’re friends with Tony Stark. I know he could get us a table.”

Bruce’s stomach dropped. “No,” he said. “I’m not going to ask Tony to get us a table.”

“Why not? He got us into Asiate, remember?”

Bruce cringed a little remembering the three hundred dollar bottle of wine she had insisted on ordering for the two of them. Tony had not only secured the reservation for their first date, but he had also insisted on picking up the tab so fortunately, Bruce hadn’t been stuck with the extravagant bill. In Tony’s world, three hundred dollars probably wasn’t much. Tony had certainly never said anything to Bruce about spending too much on his date. But he still felt guilty for spending so much on a single meal.

“That was a one-time thing,” he said firmly. “It’s too much to ask for Tony to take care of all our dates.”

“He’s a billionaire, darling. I hardly think it would be a strain on his part.”

“I don’t care if he can afford it. Asking him for favors all the time would be taking advantage of him.”

“But he’s rich, babe. What good is a rich friend if you can’t ask him for favors from time to time?”

“I’m not friends with him for his money or his fame,” Bruce snapped. “I’m friends with him because he’s a good man who cares about me, not what I can do for him. Which is more than I can say about you.”

“I knew it,” she said with a sniffle. “You spend too much time with your rich friend and now you think you’re too good for the rest of us. Newsflash, Bruce. I deserve so much better than you.”

End call.

Bruce sighed heavily. Well, that was the end of that.

He should have known it was too good to be true. Why had he ever thought he had finally found a woman he could have a long-term relationship with?

He should have seen the warning signs. They had been there all along. She just wasn’t the right woman for him. The two of them were just so different. She had monopolized most of their conversations, talking about nothing but fancy dresses and jewelry and how eager she was for Tony’s next charity ball so she’d have the chance to show it all off. She would never be happy spending an evening at home when she could be out in public being seen with people who had good connections and showing off her newest outfit. He had been lonely for too long and so desperate to find someone willing to spend time with him that he had overlooked her self-absorption.

She probably hadn’t cared about him at all. She probably only paid attention to him because of his connection to Tony.

It didn’t matter now whether she had ever cared for him or not. The results were still the same. He was once again alone on a Friday night.

He cancelled his dinner reservations and Happy’s chauffeur services in case Tony wanted to take his girlfriend Pepper out for the night and then plopped down on the couch for another Friday night at home.

Just as Bruce was settling in with a show on forensic science, the front door to their apartment banged open and Tony walked in, dramatically kicking off his shoes. “Jesus, what a day. This calls for some scotch.” He paused in the middle of loosening his tie and frowned at Bruce. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your date with Allison?”

“Abigail,” Bruce said with a sigh. “And there isn’t going to be a date. She broke up with me because I can’t get reservations for Masa tonight.” 

Tony blinked. “Wow. I don’t even take people to Masa. Okay, maybe I took Pepper once. But it was for a super special anniversary type deal. It’s definitely not for casual dating.”

“I know.” Bruce squeezed his eyes shut. “She’s not into casual dating, just fine dining. Apparently the finer the better.”

“Ugh. I’m sorry, Bruce. That gold-digging asshole doesn’t know what she’s missing.” He draped himself on the couch next to Bruce and put an arm over his shoulder. “Don’t you worry, Brucie. A night of ice cream and booze will help you forget all about her. We can even watch some of those weird foreign movies you like with the subtitles.”

Bruce offered him a weak smile. “Thanks, Tony.”

Tony wasn’t always good with feelings, but he definitely meant well. He was awkward and uncomfortable when people were hurting and didn’t always react appropriately. He was famous for saying the wrong things when he tried to be understanding and comforting. Probably an unfortunate side effect of being raised by Howard Stark and his insistence that Stark men were always stoic in the face of tragedy. But Bruce could always count on him for a quiet evening of comfort food and companionship when things went badly. And to his credit, Tony was very good at distracting him from the pain and heartache. 

While Bruce started up  _ The Lives of Others,  _ Tony disappeared into the kitchen. He returned with a pint of bourbon vanilla for himself, pistachio almond for Bruce, and his favorite bottle of single malt scotch.

“Only the best for my Brucie,” Tony declared. He poured a glass for each of them.

Bruce wasn’t a big drinker and since he knew it was Tony’s favorite scotch, he was perfectly happy letting Tony have most of the booze. So he took small sips of his scotch while Tony knocked back a few glasses.

And the more he drank, the angrier Tony got on Bruce’s behalf. “I can’t believe that woman,” he muttered. He drained his glass of scotch and set it down on the coffee table with a bang. “She’s banned from every single one of my charity balls for the rest of forever and all time.” 

“I don’t want to talk about her anymore,” Bruce mumbled into his glass. “I thought the whole point of tonight was to help me forget.”

“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” Tony declared with an enthusiastic wave of his spoon. “In your case, uh, tang...tangentially, more next to someone else I guess? Around someone?” He squinted into his glass. “That didn’t make any sense.”

“I get the gist of it,” Bruce said. “The best way to get over a breakup is to move on with someone else. Easier said than done, I’m afraid.”

“Bullshit.” Tony pointed his spoon at Bruce’s chest. “You, my friend, are a real catch. Smartest man alive, far as I’m concerned. You know, if you weren’t asexual, I’d date you myself.” He sat up ramrod straight, his eyes wide. “Hey, I could date you, actually.”

Bruce sighed. “Tony, no.”

“No, no, just hear me out.” Tony held up a hand. “I mean, if I’m not your type, that’s cool. But if there’s any interest there at all, we should give it a try. We can go out to dinner together, curl up on the couch and watch movies together. You know, all the stuff we do already, just with extra cuddling. I’d be down with that.”

“I don’t need pity dating, Tony.”

“It’s not pity. Jesus Christ. Don’t you remember when I tried to hook up with you freshman year of college? You actually punched me in the face, you stupid asshole.”

Bruce smirked. “Well, you kind of deserved it.”

Tony had been the stereotypical rich kid who always got everything he wanted and wasn’t used to taking no for an answer when he first started college. Thankfully he had grown out of that pretty quickly.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Point still stands. Way back in college, Bruce.”

“Alright, fine. It’s a genuine offer. But you’re not going to willingly go without sex. I know you.”

Tony gave him a flat look. “Contrary to popular belief, I actually have some self-control. You don’t want sex, we won’t have sex. Simple as that. I have plenty of other people I can go to.”

Bruce was well aware of Tony’s many lovers. And so was Pepper. But she didn’t care what Tony did when she was away on business trips as long as he used protection and kept everything out of the tabloids. And of course, she was free to do the same. But dating was a whole lot different than having a one-night stand when Pepper wasn’t around. He couldn’t ask that of Tony.

“No offense to you and your lovers, but that’s just not my thing,” Bruce said. “I don’t want to be one of a hundred people competing for someone’s attention. And I don’t want to resign myself to casual dating for the rest of my life. I want someone I can actually have a deep connection with, who doesn’t need sex to make them happy, who actually wants me for me. Is that too much to ask?”

Bruce blinked, a little surprised it had all come out of him. Maybe he was a bit more drunk than he had realized.

Tony’s expression softened. “The big 4-0 is coming up, isn’t it? I know how that is. You feel like at your age, you really should have your life together by now. I have to say, Bruce, you’re doing way better than I was when I turned 40. Remember all the time I spent freaking out and fighting with Pepper?”

Oh, Bruce definitely remembered. Half the neighborhood probably remembered. Tony really had been a mess, alternating between drunkenly serenading Pepper from his balcony and shouting at her that she should leave him because she deserved better. Thank god Pepper knew Tony well enough to just ignore his theatrics.

Tony waved a hand dismissively. “Never mind that. This is about you. I’m making it my mission to find you a girlfriend by your birthday,” he declared. “Just you wait, Brucie. In no time at all, you’ll find that special someone perfect for you.”

____________

“I’m sorry,” Bruce said, cutting off the pretty brunette’s horrifyingly graphic description of the time she had had sex with Tony in the bathroom at one of his parties. “But Tony is my best friend and I really, really don’t want details.”

She leaned back in her seat and squinted at him suspiciously. “What, got a problem with a woman having an active sex life?”

“No, no. I have nothing against an active sex life. It’s just not for me. And if that’s the kind of life you live, I’m afraid we just aren’t compatible. Sorry for wasting your time. It’s been great to meet you.” He held out his hand.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” she snarled. “You’re the one with the problem.”

“I never said there was,” Bruce protested. “Listen, I just-”

But it was too late. She snatched up her purse and stormed off.

Bruce sighed and fished out his wallet. Another epic disaster. He was really getting tired of the women Tony was setting him up with. 

At first, having Tony find him potential dates had seemed like such a good idea. 

While Bruce tended to be quiet and introverted, Tony was a charismatic extrovert with crowds of friends. Everywhere Tony went, it seemed like he made a new friend. Bruce himself had gotten sucked into Tony’s orbit in college, after the whole attempted hook-up incident had blown over. And despite their vastly different personalities, they had quickly become best friends. One year for Christmas, Bruce had gotten him a framed portrait of the two of them with the caption, “Introverts don’t make friends, they get adopted by extroverts.” 

It was still hanging up in his office at work.

It was sadly all too true. If not for Tony dragging him along to meet people, Bruce would have very few friends. He tended to be uncomfortable in large groups of people and only attended Stark Industries’ charity balls because he had to make an appearance as the head of his department. If Bruce had been a more outgoing person, he might have gone to one of Tony’s many parties to try to find himself a date on his own. But wild parties weren’t really his thing.

And since Tony seemed so excited about the prospect of playing matchmaker, Bruce was content to let Tony look for potential dates among his many friends.

But the problem was Tony was really friends with just about everyone. He wasn’t always the best judge of character. Anyone who could feign even a passing interest in him, his work, or his hobbies got invited to his parties.

And Tony seemed determined to set Bruce up on dates with all of them, which led to a series of some of the most disastrous dates in Bruce’s life.

The first few women assumed that since he was Tony’s best friend, he would share Tony’s views on sex. And they were angry, confused, and disappointed when Bruce refused to sleep with them.

The dates he went on with people that were told he was asexual were somehow even worse. It was clear that some of them had no idea what asexuality was. Those that did know and assured him it didn’t matter seemed to be far too similar to Abigail. From the way they pressed him for information about Tony, Bruce could tell they weren’t really interested in dating him.

And then there were the women who were a little too interested in his asexuality. Moira Jones was the worst offender. He had barely introduced himself to her before she started questioning him about why he identified as asexual. He made up an emergency and escaped when she started wondering aloud whether his penis size had anything to do with it.

Of course, there were plenty of garden variety disasters along the way that had nothing to do with his sexuality. Kiley made fun of his pescatarian diet and implied he was somehow less of a man if he didn’t eat meat, Anna thought science was boring, Rachel was rude to the waitstaff, and Irena spent the whole meal talking with her mouth full.

After two months of going out with a different woman each night, Bruce was tired and discouraged and the dates seemed to be going worse and worse. He felt further away from ever having a long-term girlfriend than when Abigail had broken up with him.

“Back so soon?” Tony asked as Bruce stormed into the apartment. “How was your date?”

“You didn’t tell me that she was one of your former lovers. Or at least a one-night stand at one of your parties. I heard way more about your sexual proclivities than I ever cared to know.”

“Oh,” Tony said sheepishly. “I totally forgot Emily and I had a thing that one time. In my defense, I got really drunk at that party later and my memories are still a little fuzzy.”

“Okay, fine. So you understand why things with her really didn’t work out. Any other bright ideas?”

Tony frowned as he consulted his list of potential dates for Bruce. He was silent for a long time. Bruce heaved a sigh. It seemed like Tony was finally running out of women.

“You know,” Tony said after a moment. “I could try and get you together with Stephanie from H.R. She’s getting her appendix out and I’m pretty sure she can’t have sex for at least a couple weeks until after it heals. Remember when I got the old ticker put in?” Tony rapped his chest with his knuckles. “Longest month of my life.”

“That’s only a temporary condition, Tony. You said it yourself, she can’t have sex while she’s healing, but what if she wants to afterwards? It just wouldn’t be fair to her.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Tony stroked his goatee thoughtfully. “I could ask Pepper if she has any nice single friends.”

Bruce sighed. “I don’t know, Tony. Maybe I’m just not cut out for dating.”

“Nonsense. There’s somebody out there for everybody. Sometimes several somebodies.” Tony waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Bruce rolled his eyes. “I appreciate the thought, but-”

“No, I’ve got you, buddy. You’re a real catch. Smartest guy I know. Well, second smartest. But, even so, there’s gotta be at least one nice girl that wants to do nothing more than curl up with you and listen to all your awesomeness. So if you want a lady friend of your own, we’re going to make it happen.”

“I know you’re trying to help, but it’s just not working, Tony.”

Tony looked uncertain. “Should I...should I set you up with some guys?”

“That’s not the problem, Tony. The gender isn’t going to make a difference.”

“It could. What if I found you a nice asexual man and the two of you just hit it off?”

“Do you know any asexual men?”

“Well, no, but-”

“See, that’s the problem. I don’t know any asexuals in the area. And I’ve looked. Trust me. I did the whole online dating thing and nothing.”

Bruce had been so discouraged when he hadn’t found any asexuals nearby on any of the online dating sites he used. He realized asexuality wasn’t a common orientation so he wasn’t likely to find thousands of people he could choose from. But it had been so disappointing that he couldn’t find anyone in the nearby area. And sure, there were probably several asexuals out there who weren’t using online dating sites, weren’t aware that asexuality was a term, or had been told they couldn’t possible be asexual because they didn’t fit the very narrow image people had of what asexuality looked like. But it had hurt to be the only one on a particular site. It was even more hurtful when some of the sites didn’t even give him the option of putting asexual in as his orientation.

Still, he had managed to make friends with asexuals in Idaho, Florida, Louisiana, and Pennsylvania so the sites hadn’t been a complete waste of time. Still, it did nothing to solve his problem. A long-distance relationship didn’t give him the companionship he wanted. He couldn’t go out on a date with someone living in a different state.

He shook his head. “So no, it won’t matter if the next person I date is a man. If he’s not asexual or celibate for other reasons, he’s going to want sex in a relationship. They all do eventually. Maybe not for a couple dates, maybe not until marriage. But sooner or later, it’s going to happen and we’ll have to break up. And I can’t take that again.”

“But Bruce-”

“I appreciate the effort, Tony. I really do. But I want you to stop setting me up with dates. You tried, it didn’t work. But that’s life sometimes.”

“You can’t give up now. There are plenty of single ladies all across New York. I just haven’t found you the right girl yet. But I will. I promise.”

“I’m asking you nicely, Tony. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Tony wilted. “Alright. If that’s really the way you feel,” he mumbled.

Bruce was sure Tony wasn’t going to listen to him. But two weeks went by without a single attempt to find him a date. Part of Bruce was relieved that he wouldn’t have to put up with all of the painful interactions anymore. But there was another part of him that was just a little sad it was all over. It meant he was really giving up and resigning himself to a life of bachelorhood

He tried to remind himself of all the good things he had going for him. He had a very good job working in research and development for Stark Industries, one of the biggest tech companies out there. He was living with his best friend in a very nice penthouse apartment.

And if he felt a little lonely sometimes, well, things could certainly be worse.

______

Four days before Bruce’s 40th birthday, Tony swaggered into the apartment with a triumphant look on his face and his arms held wide. “Brucie baby, I have found the perfect woman for you.”

Bruce groaned. “That’s what you always say.” He should have known Tony wouldn’t give up that easily.

“But I mean it this time. She’s hot, like holy shit. I made a pass at her myself, but she turned me down. And now you get your chance with her, you lucky dog.” Tony winked and elbowed Bruce in the side.

Bruce frowned and rubbed at the spot. “Is that really how you’ve been finding me dates? Setting me up with all the women who didn’t work out for you?”

“Of course not. You wouldn’t catch me dead around some of those religious types.”

Oh yes, the religious fanatics Tony had somehow stumbled across. Sure, they believed in celibacy, but they also believed science was a bunch of nonsense. Bruce had no idea how Tony of all people had even come across them and convinced them to go out with him. And he was a little offended that Tony thought they would ever be a possible match for him. But then again, he supposed Tony was really running out of options and he had gotten desperate.

“And, uh, Moira I think? The aspiring journalist Pepper took pity on? Definitely not my type. You remember Moira, right?

Bruce grimaced. “Of course I remember Moira. How could I forget being treated like some kind of exotic zoo animal?”

Tony patted his shoulder. “I’m really sorry you had to put up with that. When she said she was excited to date an asexual, I had no idea she was going to be that kind of excited. Trust me. I wouldn’t put you through that kind of torture. But I promise you Natasha’s going to be different. She’s not just smoking hot, she’s also super smart. Not science smart like us, but I have it on good authority that she speaks ten different languages, she can quote whole episodes of Star Trek, and she’s got a programming degree. Plus, she does muay thai. That’s the weird meditation yoga you do, right?"

Bruce sighed heavily. “I do tai chi, Tony. It’s completely different.”

“Oh. Well, they’re both martial arts, right? So you at least have something in common.”

“In the very loosest sense of the word.”

He couldn’t believe Tony was doing this to him again, trying to upsell him on another disastrous date. But why was he surprised? Tony was stubborn and he just didn't listen.

“Don’t be such a downer, Bruce. How many people do you know that speak ten different languages? You have to at least be a little curious about her.”

“Maybe a little,” Bruce admitted.

Tony clapped him on the shoulder. “That’s my boy. I knew you’d be out of your mind to turn down a chance with Nat, so I went ahead and booked you a table at a nice restaurant for tomorrow.”

“Tony,” Bruce protested. “That’s not-”

Tony held up a hand. “It’s a nice restaurant, but not too nice. We don’t want another Abigail situation. I went with Robert Restaurant because it’s Pepper’s favorite. It’s on top of the Museum of Art and Design so if she’s into the sort of thing, you could take her around for a tour after dinner. And if not, it still has a nice view of Central Park. Your reservation is at 5. You two can drink wine and watch the sun set over the park. I’m told it’s very romantic. And hey, maybe if you play your cards right, she’ll invite you back to her place to snuggle on her couch.”

Bruce squeezed his eyes shut. “I know you’re just trying to help, but I don’t want to use your connections to get a date.”

Tony’s expression softened. “I know, buddy. But I toned it way down for you. Robert is not a super exclusive place. You’d probably be able to snag a table for tomorrow on your own, but I made the reservation myself so you wouldn’t back out.”

Bruce sighed. “You’re really not going to take no for an answer, are you? Even after I told you not to set me up on dates anymore.”

“I’ve got a real good feeling about this one, Brucie. You gotta give it one last shot. And if Nat’s really not the girl for you, I’ll give up, I promise.”

Bruce eyed him suspiciously. “This is really going to be the last date you set me up with?”

Tony held up his hands. “Last one, I swear.”

Bruce sighed heavily. “Alright, fine.”

If one more miserable date was what it took to stop Tony meddling in his love life, he’d do it. He wasn’t sure he believed him, but it was worth a shot.

__________

On the morning of his date, Tony barged into Bruce’s bedroom and started rifling through his closet, offering his obnoxious commentary on everything Bruce owned.

Bruce had already decided what he was going to wear: a nice blue dress shirt, black slacks, and dark purple tie. And no matter how many times Tony told him his look was boring, he wasn’t going to wear any of Tony’s crazy patterned ties.

Tony even had an opinion on the way Bruce styled his hair, which was utterly ridiculous. He hadn’t been this involved in any of Bruce’s other dates. Tony was apparently taking this whole last chance thing very seriously.

The only thing that kept him from throttling Tony then and there was the knowledge that he was only trying to help. But still, there was only so much advice Bruce could take, and he was at the end of his rope.

In his eagerness to escape Tony’s meddling, he arrived at the restaurant a little earlier than he had planned.

He had never been there before, and it was a lot more colorful than he had expected. Everywhere he looked, there were bright pink, purple, and orange chairs, and Bruce felt a little out of place in his less colorful clothing. Maybe he should have taken Tony up on his suggestion to wear the crazy red and yellow tie. But it was too late to do anything about it now.

Since Tony had made the reservation, they seated him fairly quickly even though he was early. The table was right by the window, which meant a really fantastic view of Central Park. Bruce could see why Tony had recommended the place. If the date went poorly, at least there would be good scenery to make up for it.

The waitress left Bruce at his table with a smile and a glass of water, promising to come back later to take his order once his date arrived.

And now all he could do now was wait and worry about his date. 

He anxiously scanned the crowd, searching every female face for some sign that they were here for him. It would have been so much easier if he had a description of her, any description at all.

The only information he had on her was that she was “hot”. Tony found a lot of people hot and knowing his tastes, anyone from eighteen to fifty could conceivably be on that list

To distract himself, Bruce started flipping through his menu. Tony had assured him that there were plenty of vegan, vegetarian, and pescetarian options, but he felt more at ease seeing for himself. He knew Tony would never lie to him about the food. He didn’t understand Bruce’s dietary choices, but he respected them. Still, Tony wasn’t reliable when it came to the little details. He might see a fish on the menu and not bother to look at the dish’s other ingredients.

The click of heels close by caught his attention, but he forced himself not to look until the sound slowed to a stop beside his table and a husky female voice murmured, “Dr. Banner, I presume?”

Bruce glanced up from the menu and swallowed hard.

He didn’t experience attraction the way Tony did and couldn’t exactly gauge hotness, but he knew when people were aesthetically appealing. And she was definitely aesthetically attractive. She had impossibly green eyes and a perfect heart-shaped face, accentuated by long tendrils of ombre hair, blonde on the top and red on the bottom, just like a sunset.

Well, this was it.

Bruce quickly scrambled to his feet and held out a hand. “Uh, hi. I’m Bruce. You must be Natasha.”

He felt ridiculously underdressed next to her. All he had done was put on a nice shirt and slacks and she was dressed in a very fancy wine-colored cocktail dress that matched her lipstick. It was an off the shoulder dress with a sparkly lace overlay and lacy sleeves that looked like it was made exactly for her body. She had to have put in a lot of effort to look good for the date and there was no way he was worthy of all that. But he forced a smile and tried to project confidence. Confidence was key, Tony liked to tell him. If he seemed too nervous or self-conscious, people would think there was something he was trying to hide.

She took his hand with a smile and slid into her seat. “Well, this is nice. When I heard you were friends with Stark, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Some ridiculous pickup line, probably.”

Bruce winced. “First of all, I’d like to apologize for whatever crass and inappropriate comments he made to you because I know he won’t. I swear, he’s not a bad guy, he just doesn’t always think before he opens his mouth.”

She waved him off. “I’ve heard worse. And he certainly handled rejection well. I’ve never seen anyone so excited to be turned down before.”

Bruce rubbed the back of his neck. “He’s been playing matchmaker for me and he’s gotten a little too into the whole thing.”

“Well, good for him. Maybe he’ll stop hitting on everyone he sees. It’s a pity you never trained him out of that when you punched him for hitting on you.”

Bruce groaned. “I can’t believe Tony told you that story.” God, that was embarrassing. He ducked his head. “That was over twenty years ago, when I was just starting college. I was still a kid then, dealing with the stress of finals and dorm drama. Tony just got under my skin. He has that effect on people sometimes.”

She barked out a laugh. “Don’t I know it. I wanted to punch him myself after knowing him all of ten minutes.”

“I don’t have anger management issues or anything like that,” Bruce assured her quickly. “That was the first and last time I have ever hit anyone like that.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself. You’ve been friends with Tony all these years, and you’ve only hit him that once. You’re a saint if you can manage that.”

“Very good friends,” Bruce confirmed with a smile. “We share an apartment.”

Her eyebrows went up. “You really are a glutton for punishment, then.”

“He’s also technically my boss, although he doesn’t really act like it. On paper, my job is head of Research and Development. In reality, I take Tony’s drunken 3 a.m ramblings and turn them into something that works.”

Her eyebrows went even higher. 

“It’s not as bad as it sounds. Tony didn’t actually hire me. Stark Industries was still under his father’s command. He recommended me to the board, of course, but he didn’t actually make the final call. And I had to work my way up from a lowly research position.”

Bruce was actually very proud of the fact that he had landed his job. Howard Stark had never been the sort of man to just give jobs away, especially not because of a connection to his son. Even Tony had had to prove himself to Howard through his schoolwork and outside projects before Howard begrudgingly considered him as a worthy successor. So that meant every promotion Howard gave him was a reward for long hours of hard work and an acknowledgement of his value to the company.

And Bruce felt like he had more than earned all of his promotions once Tony took over as C.E.O. Tony had a lot of great ideas, but he tended to be disorganized and easily distracted. It was a good thing Tony wasn’t afraid to delegate. That meant Bruce had plenty of chances to head up important projects.

“Once Tony moved Stark Industries away from being a pure weapons company, I got to be involved in a lot more projects. My chemistry and biology background really came in handy when we started working on things like prosthetic limbs and nanotechnology. It’s really exciting new technology and we can help so many people with it. Not just wounded veterans, but amputees and those born missing limbs.”

The prosthetic limb project was actually the first one he had headed up in his new position and he was eager to tell her all about it, but he forced himself to trail off. 

“I’m sorry, I must be boring you.”

She smiled down at the table. “Just a little. But it’s good that you’re so passionate about your work. Tony mentioned you have 7 Ph.Ds. I’m glad you have the opportunity to put some of them to good use.”

“And I’m glad Tony told you something besides the story of how I punched him in college,” Bruce said with a smile. “He didn’t tell me a lot about you. Do you really speak ten different languages?”

“Da, hai, oui, sí, ken.” Her mouth curved into a smirk. “Should I go on?”

Bruce held up a hand. “It’s okay. I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I know ASL too. And I’m working on learning some of the other sign languages.”

“Wow. So you’re a polyglot, huh? You must work as a translator at the U.N. or something.”

“Hell no. I could never work in politics. All the bureaucracy, political maneuvering, and backstabbing.” She shuddered. “No thanks. I’m happy with the job I have.”

“And that is?”

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow.

She chuckled. “I’m kidding. I’m Pepper’s personal assistant.”

“Oh! So you…?”

Natasha nodded. “She’s been playing matchmaker, too.”

“Small world, huh?”

“It’s a good thing for you. I never would have agreed to this date if Pepper hadn’t vouched for you. She assured me you’re a nice guy and nothing at all like Tony.”

“Personality-wise, anyway,” Bruce agreed. 

Conversation ground to a halt as their waitress showed up to take their order.

Neither of them were quite ready to order food yet, but Natasha took the waitress up on the suggestion of starting with a drink. To his great relief, she chose a relatively cheap glass of rosé instead of one of the more expensive bottles on offer. Bruce stuck with water. 

The waitress was fast and efficient, returning only moments later to drop off their drinks. She flashed them a quick smile, promising to be back soon to take their orders.

Once the waitress was gone, Bruce leaned forward eagerly. “How did you learn so many different languages?”

“ASL was first. My best friend is deaf. He reads lips, but I really wanted to learn sign language to communicate with him better. He taught me everything I know.”

“And the rest of the languages?”

“Traveling,” Natasha said with a shrug. “Like you said, I’m a polyglot. I pick languages up pretty quickly.”

There had to be more to it than that. But Natasha didn’t seem interested in going into further detail and Bruce didn’t really want to pry.

“Well, I’m sure you’re putting all that knowledge to good use as well. With a multinational company, Pepper must be meeting with plenty of potential customers and business partners that need a translator.”

“They usually bring their own translators, but sure, I’ve helped out on occasion. Mostly by overhearing the little digs and insults they think they can get away with in their native tongue. Most of our clients are nice and professional, of course. But every so often, we have idiots who think they can whisper about how Pepper must not know what she’s doing because she’s a woman or because she doesn’t have Tony’s mechanical knowledge. And oh do I love letting Pepper know what they say behind her back.” She took a large swig of her wine and sat back in her chair with a self-satisfied smile.

“That’s...well, that’s certainly one way to do it.”

“The way I see it, someone needs to have Pepper’s back and that person might as well be me. She’s a good boss and she’s more than earned her position at Stark Industries. She may not be a born genius like Tony, but she’s not an idiot.”

“Oh, definitely not,” Bruce agreed. “Miss Potts has a mind for business. She and Tony are a good match. The company wouldn’t be half as successful as it is without their partnership.”

“Sadly, what most people want to talk about is their partnership outside the business.”

“Ah, I can imagine. But at least Tony didn’t start dating Pepper until she was already well-established in her career. I’m sure that doesn’t erase all the allegations of bias and favoritism or rumors that they were secretly dating all along, but there’s less chance people suspect he hired her because of a long-standing relationship.”

“You’d think so, yes. But it’s not always the case.” She shrugged and took another small sip of her wine.

The waitress reappeared with a second glass of wine for Natasha and topped off Bruce’s water glass.

“Are you two ready to order? Can I start you off with any appetizers?”

Bruce felt a little bad for holding up service. They had both been spending too much time talking and not thinking about their orders. He had his mouth open to apologize-

“I’ll start with the charred octopus,” Natasha said.

Bruce blinked at her. She hadn’t even glanced at her menu. 

“And for you, sir?”

“Oh, uh.” Bruce quickly glanced down and picked the first thing that he knew fit his dietary restrictions. “The fava bean and pea soup, please.”

“Of course. It’ll be out in a few minutes.” She disappeared around the corner.

Bruce cocked his head to one side. “You’ve been here before, haven’t you?”

“Once or twice on business lunches with Pepper,” Natasha said with a shrug.

Ah, of course. Tony had mentioned it was Pepper’s favorite restaurant.

He was suddenly glad he’d gotten there early enough to give the menu a full look beforehand. He would have felt pretty awkward holding up the server while he looked through the whole menu.

Once their meals arrived, they both lapsed into awkward silence. Natasha picked at her food and quietly sipped her wine. Bruce stirred his soup and tried not to panic.

What else did people talk about on dates? Abigail had monopolized most of their conversations to talk about social engagements and usually only listened to what Bruce had to say if they were discussing one of Tony’s upcoming parties. Moira had talked about nothing but her crazy sexual abuse theories. And since Natasha had seemed simply uninterested, but not outright hostile, there would be no anti-science arguments with her.

So what did normal people talk about?

They had already talked about their jobs and their education a little bit. But those were fairly boring subjects. They had to move on from the surface level discussions if Bruce If he knew a little more about her, he could ask about her hobbies and other interests. Maybe they had something in common there.

Oh wait, Tony had told him about one of her hobbies at least.

“I, uh, hear you’ve watched a lot of Star Trek.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Yes. I’ve watched just about every episode with my best friend Clint. And since he’s deaf, he watches it with subtitles so then I see and hear the dialogue at the same time. I pick up things pretty quickly and getting that information twice means it sticks with me. I can quote some of Clint’s favorite episodes word for word. Clint thinks it’s a neat party trick. Every time I meet one of his stupid friends, he begs me to quote some of the dialogue to impress them.”

“Ah. That sounds frustrating.” So much for that one thread of common interest.

Well, it looked like he was down to one last conversation topic.

Bruce cleared his throat. “I like to be honest and open with the people I date and there’s something I always disclose on the first date.”

“Oh boy, here we go.” Natasha said. She tossed her napkin aside. “I knew there was some reason Stark gave up on me so fast.” She leaned forward. “So, what is it? Some crazy accident in your college days he still feels guilty about? Maybe he gave you an STD?”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that,” Bruce assured her. 

“Well, it’s gotta be something. It’s always something.” She violently stabbed her octopus with her fork. “He’s got sexual problems, let’s foist him off on the token asexual,” she muttered under her breath.

Bruce’s mouth went dry. “I’m sorry, did you say you’re asexual?”

There was no way he had heard what he thought he had heard. It had to be wishful thinking, his mind playing tricks on him.

“I’m asexual,” she repeated. She sighed and shook her head. “No, I’m sure you don’t understand either. Everyone thinks I’m saying I’m a sexual person. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s asexual, one word. Asexuality is-”

“I know what asexuality is,” he cut in. “You see, I’m asexual as well.”

Her eyebrows went up. “Tony didn’t tell me that.”

“He didn’t tell me either.”

“Huh.” She leaned back in her seat and regarded him over her wine glass. “So, what’s his reasoning here? Why keep that information to himself? Maybe it’s his idea of a joke, match the two of us up and see how long it took for us to figure it out.”

“No, no. Tony wouldn’t be that cruel. If anything, he probably thought he was protecting me and giving you a chance to get to know me as a person and not just an asexual. I’ve had more than a few bad experiences.”

Natasha’s face lit up with sympathy and understanding. “I’ve had plenty of those myself. People that treat you like you’re a freak, like you’re an alien, like you’re suffering from some horrible infectious disease. Like not wanting to have sex is somehow the craziest thing they’ve ever heard and there’s got to be something wrong with you.”

Bruce nodded vigorously. “That’s been my experience as well. And people tend to take it so personally, like I’m somehow implying they’re unattractive because I don’t want to have sex with them. And it’s not like that at all. She might be the most beautiful woman on earth and I wouldn’t want to have sex with her. She might be the last woman on earth, I still wouldn’t want to have sex with her. It has nothing to do with her. It’s just the way I’m wired.”

Natasha chuckled. “And then she’d probably insist if she really was the last woman on earth, you’d be duty-bound to have sex with her for the continuation of the human race.”

“Eh, if we really were the last two people on earth, the human race would be doomed anyway. We’d all share the same DNA, there’d be no genetic diversity, and we’d die off in a generation or two.”

Natasha threw her head back and laughed. “Spoken like a true scientist.”

Bruce grinned. “On the other hand, if the human race was severely depleted, but there was a large enough population that it could still be saved, I wouldn’t let humanity die off. There are ways of contributing my DNA that don’t really require my involvement.”

“I’d do it,” Natasha said cheerfully. “And I’d ask to be paired with the biggest asshole in the group.”

Bruce frowned. “Why would you want to torture yourself like that?”

“Hey, if I’m not enjoying myself, neither should he. I’d complain about his performance the whole time, tell him it was the worst experience of my life, pretend to fall asleep in the middle of it. Maybe take his ego down a few pegs. There’s no shortage of arrogant jerks in the world that think they’re god’s gift to women. And you just know that some of those dicks will survive the theoretical apocalypse. They always do.”

“And you just know that the idea that they’re saving the human race will inflate some scientists’ egos. So you’ll end up paired with some man like Tony who thinks every idea he has is pure genius.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Now that really would be torture.”

Bruce couldn’t help but laugh.

The waitress hovered on the periphery. “Are you two ready to order any entrees?”

“Give us just a minute, thanks,” Natasha said smoothly. She watched the waitress walk away and then leaned forward across the table. “I don’t know about you, but restaurants aren’t exactly the best places to have a good conversation. And to be honest, I’m more interested in talking than eating at this point. The food is good, but nothing spectacular. And I’m sure I’ll get a chance to eat here again next time I’m here with Pepper. What do you say about going for a walk instead?”

Bruce nodded. He didn’t want to tie up a table and waste so much of the waitress’ time not ordering anything. “As Tony would say, let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

__________________________

  
  


Bruce had assumed Natasha wanted to go outside mostly for the fresh air and free space that just wasn’t available in the restaurant. But she shrugged on her black leather jacket and immediately started off down the street at a brisk pace.

Well, it looked like they really were going for a walk.

“Uh, I don’t think we’re really dressed for a walk,” Bruce said hesitantly.

Her strappy silver heels didn’t seem like they would be any good for walking.

“Don’t worry,” Natasha said with a wink. “You can borrow my jacket if you get cold.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Bruce,” Natasha said with an indulgent smile, “I don’t dress up like this very often and I’m going to make the most of it. Who cares if someone thinks we’re a little overdressed for the streets? Let them wonder what two fabulously fashionable people are doing in their neighborhood. If we’re lucky, they’ll mistake us for someone really important and spread rumors about us.”

Well, if she was comfortable walking in heels, who was he to judge?

Despite his more sensible shoes, Bruce found himself struggling to keep up with her pace. “Hey, could you maybe slow it down just a little? People who want to look important don’t run everywhere they go. At this rate, we’re going to look like criminals fleeing from a crime scene.”

“Sorry,” she said as she slowed down to a more comfortable pace. “I forgot you have a desk job. As Pepper’s assistant, I’m always running all over the office. Fetching documents, taking paperwork to the various departments, running errands. Pepper is a very busy woman and she likes to keep me on my toes.”

“When you’re not shaming foreign businessmen for talking bad about Pepper, of course.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m a good multitasker. I can take out the trash while I, well, take out the trash.” Her eyes sparkled with mirth.

“Pepper’s lucky to have you.”

“She sure is. We’ve become good friends over the years. We’ve gone out for drinks after work, gone on trips together, and I’m almost an honorary member of Pepper’s family. And as her best friend and best employee, she feels duty-bound to make sure my life is as happy as hers. So, she started playing matchmaker with me. I’m not upset that she’s meddling. I kind of deserve it after all the times I’ve played matchmaker for everyone else in the office. But her views on dating are so much different than mine. I’m sure you understand.”

Bruce chuckled. “Oh boy do I ever.”

She snickered. “I can only imagine how much worse it was for you, considering all the company Tony normally keeps. I can see now why Pepper kept me from actually meeting him for so long. Is he actually friends with anyone normal or are they all as eccentric as he is? Present company excluded, of course.”

“Well, a lot of them were too much like Tony. And that made for a lot of less than pleasant dates. But there were a few pretty down to earth people that I could hold an actual conversation with. But most of them, while they might have meant well, just didn’t understand what asexuality is or what it means to me specifically even after I explained. And they just wanted to find solutions instead of accepting me as I am. Too many of them believed that I just haven’t met the right person yet.”

“Tell me about it,” she said with a bark of laughter. “Everyone kept telling me I only think I’m asexual because I haven’t had sex yet. So I gave it a try. Once with a man and once with a woman so it’d be a conclusive experiment.”

“And let me guess, you hated it?”

“Oh no, I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t feel much of anything either way.” She shrugged indifferently. “The way some people go on about sex, it seemed like a life-changing experience. Something you could abandon your family for, something you’d kill for, something you just couldn’t live without. You know all those ‘better than sex’ chocolate cake recipes? As far as I’m concerned, every chocolate cake is better than sex, whether they call it that or not.”

Bruce chuckled. “I’m with you there.”

“I thought maybe, just maybe, if I met someone that I loved more than anything, I’d be willing to have sex with him every so often because making him happy would make me happy. But that kind of love is only in children’s stories.”

“All too true,” Bruce said. “I had one serious girlfriend back in my twenties. Betty Ross. I really did love her and the two years we spent together were some of the happiest times of my life. But she wanted children, biological children. And I wasn’t willing to have sex with her, not even for children.” He swallowed hard. “We went through several rounds of IVF, but none of the embryos took. It was a stressful time for both of us, but it was especially hard on Betty. Ultimately, she decided it was my fault she couldn’t have biological children and we had a huge fight about how I was holding her back. You’re right. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

Natasha put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “Take it from me. Having biological children isn’t the only way to go. I was adopted as a child. My biological parents...well, you really don’t want to know what they were like. Let’s just say I was a lot happier with my adoptive parents.”

“I know,” Bruce said. “Biology doesn’t mean everything. And there are plenty of good kids out there waiting to be adopted. But she really wanted to experience pregnancy and she really wanted the baby to share our genetics. And I couldn’t give her that experience.”

“A relationship can’t be based on what one person wants. It’s a lot of give and take. And if she couldn’t see that, then I’m sorry, that wasn’t love. I’m not saying she was a terrible person. I’m sure she had many good qualities and you cared about her deeply. But she didn’t respect who you are as a person, just saw you for what you could do for her. And that’s not love.”

“I didn’t identify as asexual back then. I didn’t even know it was a thing. I was just the weird guy who thought sex was gross.”

“Doesn’t matter. She knew you weren’t into sex and she kept insisting. A relationship like that can’t stand. Trust me. Once someone starts demanding sex, there’s no compromise. You either give in or you get out. I had to break up with several boyfriends in high school and college when they got too pushy. Ironically, that’s how I ended up with a reputation as a slut.”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense.”

She shrugged indifferently. “People believe what they want to believe. A woman who can’t keep a boyfriend for more than a few months must be looking to have sex with as many men as possible. Nobody considers that she’s leaving to avoid sex. After all, I wear makeup and I dress well. Looking like I do, I must be desperately craving attention.”

“That’s so unfair to you.”

“Yeah, well, that’s just the way the world works.” She looked away, her expression somber and distant. And then all of a sudden her eyes lit up.

“Oh, a shawarma cart,” she said excitedly. She tugged on his arm. “You still hungry? I know I am.”

“You...you’ve had shawarma before?”

Most people Bruce knew had never even heard of shawarma. Even Tony, who was usually an adventurous eater, had no idea what it was and was only mildly curious about trying it one day.

Natasha nodded enthusiastically. “When Clint and I were in Budapest, we stopped by this great middle eastern restaurant.”

“Budapest? Wow, what was that like?”

Tony had always complained about going on business trips, but Bruce thought visiting a foreign country sounded like an amazing experience. Unfortunately, a fear of flying and of being trapped in close quarters with a bunch of strangers prevented that.

“It was ...eventful,” she settled on.

“It sounds like there’s a story behind that. I’d love to hear it.”

“Some other time, perhaps,” she said with an enigmatic smile.

Another time. Well, that was certainly promising.

Natasha walked briskly up to the cart while digging around inside her purse for her wallet. “I’ll have the chicken shawarma.” She handed the merchant her card. “And he’ll have...hmn. What do you want, Bruce? I’m buying.”

“Uh, I’ll just have falafel.”

She frowned at him. “You don’t have to go cheap just because I’m paying. Get what you really want.”

“Oh no, it’s not that. I just don’t eat meat anymore.”

Her face fell. “I’m so sorry. I should have realized.” She held up the foil-wrapped shawarma with a sheepish look. “You don’t mind, do you?”

He waved her off. “No judgements here. I ate more than my share of shawarma in my college days. I started eating pescetarian mostly for health reasons.” Bruce accepted his falafel from the merchant with a grateful nod and the two of them walked on.

“Nothing serious, I hope,” Natasha said as she bit into her shawarma.

“I’m not going to keel over dead anytime soon, I assure you. But I have a family history of heart disease and my blood pressure was pretty high a few years ago. The doctor told me I needed to improve my diet or I’d have to go on blood pressure medication for the rest of my life. I chose to work on my diet.”

“Good to know.”

“I don’t eat healthy all the time,” Bruce said as he popped the falafel in his mouth. “My health isn’t that fragile. I just try to eat low sodium and low fat as much as possible. But I still go out to eat from time to time and I go drinking with Tony when he needs company. So don’t worry about ruining my diet. The only thing I’ve given up permanently is red meat. I eat everything else in moderation.”

“I admire your willpower. I’d never be able to do that. I’m too fond of bacon.”

“You know they do make turkey bacon now.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Turkey bacon is a travesty. There are some things you can substitute with something healthier, but bacon just isn’t one of them.”

Bruce shrugged. “To each their own.”

Natasha delicately licked garlic sauce off her fingers. “That was almost a perfect meal. Only thing that would make it better is if it ended with something sweet.”

“Gelato?” Bruce nodded towards the cart.

“Warm and sweet,” she amended, pulling her jacket a little tighter around her.

“Well, I think there might be a waffle place on the outer edge of the park somewhere.” Bruce had caught a glimpse of a bright yellow sign that said Wafels and Dinges on the drive to the restaurant. “Not quite sure where, but I’m sure I could find it again. It wouldn’t be hard to spot.”

"Sounds good to me. Let's go.” She slipped her hand into his.

“Yikes,” Bruce said, suppressing a shiver. “We really do need to find you something warm. Your hands are like ice cubes.”

“I’ve always run cold,” Natasha said with a shrug. “It’s the Siberian blood in my veins.”

“Well, there is that familiar saying. Cold hands, warm heart.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”

“Right. Of course.”

Bruce led the way back along 59th Street until he could see flashes of the bright yellow building through the trees around Central Park. “Here it is. I knew I’d seen it along here somewhere.”

As they got closer, Bruce was dismayed to see just a single worker in a bright yellow apron that matched the kiosk. And he was busily wiping down counters, throwing things in the trash bin and packing things up to go back into the fridge. Bruce recognized the signs of closing up from his days working retail. Still, it couldn’t hurt to ask.

“Are you closed now?”

“Just about,” the man said. He stirred the bowl in front of him with a thoughtful expression. “But I think there’s just enough batter for two more waffles.”

“Thank you for staying open for us,” Bruce said gratefully. “And if it’s not too much trouble, could we get two cups of coffee as well?”

“Sure. How do you take them?”

“I’d say as black as the depths of my soul, but no coffee created by man can truly reflect the darkness within.” 

The worker paused with one hand on the paper cup. He raised an eyebrow.

“Just kidding,” she said with a smirk. “I take milk and sugar.”

“And you, sir?”

“Uh, I actually do take mine black,” Bruce said sheepishly. “I hope it doesn’t reflect too badly on my soul.”

Natasha slipped her hand into his and squeezed gently. “Nah. It just means you eat healthier than I do. But we’re going to remedy that right now.”

The worker chuckled as he started preparing their waffles: Natasha’s with bananas and caramel, Bruce’s with strawberries and dark chocolate sauce. When he presented them on the counter, they were both piled high with whipped cream and syrup on top.

“Oh, wow,” Bruce said faintly. “That’s incredibly generous.”

“Less to put away at the end of the night,” the man said with a wink as he tossed the empty whipped cream canister in the trash. “You two enjoy your evening.”

With the coffee in one hand and the waffle container in the other, it meant that sadly, Bruce was unable to hold Natasha’s hand anymore. But that was just a temporary set-back. They just needed to find a spot to sit down. And Central Park had plenty of benches they could choose from.

But once he sat down, Bruce belatedly realized that the man had forgotten to give them forks. And it was too late to go back and ask for them now. The kiosk was closed up for the night and the worker was presumably already on his way home.

With a roll of her eyes, Natasha picked up her waffle in both hands and took a bite. “We’re not in a fancy restaurant anymore, Bruce. We’re in the park. Who cares about utensils out here?”

Well, if she didn’t care about getting her hands dirty, neither did he. Sadly, they didn’t have napkins either, but they could always wash their hands off in the bathroom if they got too sticky.

Bruce took a large bite of his waffle. “Oh, this is really good.”

She snorted into her hands.

“What? What’s so funny?”

She ran a finger across the top of her lips. “That’s an impressive cream stache you’ve got there, Bruce.”

He groaned and wiped his upper lip with the back of his hand. Well, that was a little embarrassing. 

She smirked. "I didn't really peg you as a messy eater."

“You’re one to talk.” He indicated the dollop of whipped cream on the tip of her nose.

She grimaced and wrinkled her nose. “That’s not my fault. There is just way too much whipped cream on this thing.”

“I don’t know. I think it takes a special kind of talent to get it way up on your nose.”

“No, it doesn’t.” She dabbed a small bit of cream on his nose. “See? Easy.”

His eyes narrowed. “Oh, is that how it is?” He reached over to smear a line down her cheek.

Natasha chuckled darkly. “Oh, now you’ve done it. This means war.”

Bruce had never participated in any food fights in elementary or high school. He was far too serious a student and too worried about the possibility of getting in trouble. But if this was how those fights had been in school, then he had clearly been missing out.

The two of them went back and forth, taking turns smearing lines of whipped cream across each other’s forehead, cheeks, chin, even the exposed tips of their ears.

But as Bruce reached for her shoulder, Natasha darted away from him “Not the dress!” she shrieked. “It’s dry clean only.”

Bruce immediately backed off. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

Natasha smacked her hand in the middle of his chest, leaving a small whipped cream handprint. “Never let your guard down in front of the enemy,” she said gleefully.

“I could say the same thing,” he said as he flicked whipped cream onto her clavicle.

She glanced down in surprise as the glob of whipped cream slid slowly down the front of her dress. ”Wow. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Well, I can’t let you be the only one with a cool backstory,” Bruce said with a smug smile. “I have some secrets up my sleeves too.”

“I see how it is. I tell you mine, you tell me yours. That sort of thing. Let me tell you, Bruce, some of the stories I have don’t come out until after I’ve had several drinks. And I mean several drinks.”

“Well, I already bought you one, so we’re off to a good start.”

She smiled. “You did, didn’t you? I’ll definitely take that into consideration.”

There was no way to clean up all the whipped cream, but Bruce helped Natasha dab at the spot on her dress while she wiped cream out of her hair and pulled it all back into a french braid to hide the sticky ends.

“I’m sorry I got so carried away,” Bruce said. Hopefully her dress wasn’t really dry clean only and it had just been a trick to make him back off. But if it was, he was going to pay for her to have it cleaned. Because he couldn’t stand to see such a beautiful dress ruined in a moment of carelessness.

“Don’t apologize. I got carried away too. You’re just so easy to get along with, Bruce. I feel like I’ve known you for years. I don’t feel like I have to be on my best first date behavior anymore.”

Bruce nodded. “I’m usually a lot more mature than this, I promise.”

“That’s a good thing, I think. We feel comfortable around each other, able to really be ourselves. That’s pretty rare. Definitely worth the mess. And it’ll all wash off, no harm done.” She glanced up at the sky. “The sun’s getting real low, big guy. You ready to call it a night and go home to wash up? I don’t know about you, but I have to be at work pretty early tomorrow.”

Bruce glanced down at his watch. It was a few minutes before 8 p.m. “Oh wow. I didn’t realize it had gotten so late.”

“You know what they say. Time flies when you’re having fun.” 

“Well, I certainly had a lot of fun tonight.”

She smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I did too.”

“We should do this again sometime.”

Her smile widened. “I’d like that. But maybe we can keep it clean the next time.” 

“Sure. Hey, if you’re into Middle Eastern food, we can eat at Nur. I’m, uh, kind of a regular there.”

“Then I’m sure you know all the best stuff there. I’ll trust your recommendations.”

Her phone chimed and she frowned down at it. “Looks like my ride’s here.”

“Oh. Well, I guess this is goodbye. Do you hug?”

“I love hugs,” Natasha said eagerly. She pulled Bruce into a surprisingly crushing embrace.

A car honked behind them and Natasha pulled back with a laugh. “Sorry, gotta go.” She scribbled her phone number on a piece of paper and handed it to Bruce. “Call me. I’d really love to do this again sometime.”

Bruce wrote down his own number. “Text me when you’re home safely.”

She waved to him as she slid into the back seat of the car. “See you later, Bruce.”

He watched until the car pulled away from the curb and disappeared around the corner before he pulled out his phone to call for his own ride home.

That might have been the best first date he had ever had.

  
  
  


Bruce didn’t remember much of the drive home.

Happy was his usual chatty and upbeat self and Bruce, still riding the high of a successful date, had momentarily been swept up in his enthusiasm. He wasn’t the type to really talk about his day, but he found himself wanting to gush about Natasha and how wonderful she was.

But then Natasha had texted him that she had made it back home. Bruce texted her back and the two of them had exchanged texts back and forth the rest of the drive home.

Bruce might have felt a little bad for how he had stopped engaging with Happy and just made encouraging noises in response to whatever was said. But Happy was a lot like Tony. They both tended to ramble on about things and get caught up in the conversation. Happy probably hadn’t even noticed Bruce wasn’t responding anymore. And if he did, he was probably enjoying the chance to just talk. Tony tended to jump in and interrupt most conversations.

He didn’t remember getting out of the car, but he made it out and into the apartment somehow. By the time Natasha had texted him a final goodnight, he found himself standing right outside the living room, listening to Robocop blaring out of the TV.

Tony was sprawled out on the couch in front of the TV, wearing nothing but his holey MIT sweatpants and the ragged remains of what had once been his favorite AC/DC shirt. As Bruce walked in, he jerked upright and reached for the remote.

“You’re back! How’d it go? Is there a second date in the cards?”

“Next week,” Bruce said proudly. “We hashed out the details on the drive back.”

“Yes!” Tony said with an enthusiastic fistpump. “Success.” He clapped Bruce on the shoulder. “What did I tell you, Bruce? I knew you two would hit it off. Am I a genius or what?”

“You didn’t tell me she’s asexual. That would have been good to know.”

Tony frowned. “Yes, I did. I told you-”

“That she wasn’t like the other women you tried to set me up with, that she was perfect for me. Was I supposed to somehow infer she’s asexual from that?”

Tony frowned. “Damn. I could have sworn I told you. But I know for sure I told Natasha the embarrassing college story

Bruce sighed. “I didn’t know asexualty was a thing in college. I was just the weird guy with no sex drive you dragged to all your parties. So all that that story told her was that I was a hothead in college. And I’m lucky she didn’t assume I was homophobic and punched you just because I was offended by a man asking me for me sex.”

Tony’s eyes went wide with horror. “No, no, no,” he assured him quickly. “I told her the whole story, I promise. I made sure I looked like the jerk so you’d look more badass for your girl.” He wilted. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things harder on you. I really thought I was helping.”

Bruce couldn’t stay mad at him. Tony’s brain worked a mile a minute and what was in his head didn’t always make it out right. “It’s alright. We figured it out anyway. And I’m taking her to Nur for the next date.”

“Nice. That place is your favorite, isn’t it? Maybe that should be your new dating test. See if your lady friends are willing to eat what you like.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”

Logically, Bruce knew one good date didn’t mean much. And they weren’t guaranteed to have a good relationship just because they were both asexual. But he had a connection with her that he had never had with any of his other dates. They shared common interests and they agreed on the big, important things. It was far too early for him to declare that she really was the one for him, but it certainly felt like it.

Tony’s eyebrows went up. “Wow. It went that good then?”

“Yeah, it did.” Bruce knew he was grinning like an idiot and Tony would probably tease him for it later, but he couldn’t help himself.

Tony clapped him on the shoulder. “Good for you. You crazy kids deserve to be happy."

_________

It was a clear, sunny day, perfect for a summer wedding. Perfect for all the wedding pictures Pepper envisioned.

She had eagerly volunteered as the wedding planner. Once Natasha and Bruce decided where they wanted the wedding to be held and what they wanted to for the food and decor, Pepper made all the arrangements coordinating with the various vendors. All the couple needed to do on the big day was show up and Pepper would have everything handled.

But Bruce was still nervous, of course he was. The thought of standing in front of people and being the center of attention was terrifying, even though only close friends and family had been invited, just twenty people in total.

Bruce anxiously examined himself in the mirror, adjusting his tie for the fifth time and smoothing down his hair again. In just a few short minutes, he was leaving the house as a single man for the very last time. It was a big deal.

Tony came up behind him and clapped him on the shoulder. “You know, it’s not too late to borrow the Maserati or the Tesla and really show up in style.”

“We talked about this, Tony,” Bruce sighed.

Tony had offered multiple times to fund their dream wedding, no matter how big or extravagant it was. He had even offered to fly them and the wedding party to some exotic romantic destination like Paris, the Bahamas, Tuscany, or Costa Rica.

All Bruce and Natasha really wanted was a nice, simple wedding in the middle of Central Park. It was affordable, it was close to home so all their friends and relatives could easily attend, and it had special significance for them as the site of their first date.

But Tony kept pushing and Natasha finally had to put her foot down and tell him if he tried to meddle in their wedding planning one more time, they were going to elope and Pepper would never forgive him if the wedding didn’t happen.

Tony put his hands up. “Alright, alright. Just thought I’d make the offer. It’s been awhile since these babies went for a spin out on the open road. And a wedding would be just the special occasion to take them out.” 

“Maybe you should drive one of them then.”

“I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t want to upstage you at your own wedding.”

Bruce looked critically at Tony’s bright red suit and golden tie. “No, of course not.”

“Hey, you told me I could wear whatever I wanted.”

Bruce was definitely regretting that now.

The doorbell rang and Tony rushed to answer it. “Happy’s here!” he said excitedly. “You ready, Brucie?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Bruce admitted.

Not for the first time, he wished they had eloped after all. He couldn’t wait to be a married man and spend the rest of his life with Natasha, but actually getting married was more stressful than he had expected.

Happy chattered the whole way to the wedding, bringing up normal everyday topics like the weather, sports, his family, the new movie that had come out. He never asked Bruce if he was nervous and he didn’t press when Bruce didn’t feel up to making conversation. He just kept right on talking. It helped a little. But Bruce was still a bundle of nerves by the time they pulled up to the venue.

The wedding was held at Wagner Cove, chosen by Pepper and Natasha specifically for the aesthetic appeal. Natasha and Bruce would say their vows under a rustic wooden gazebo with the lake as a backdrop. It was just large enough to hold them and the minister. Tony, Bruce’s best man and Clint, Natasha’s man of honor would be stationed right outside the gazebo, the rest of the wedding guests standing back a few feet. Natasha would make her entrance down an L-shaped path lined with gracefully twisted elm trees. It would look like something out of a fairytale forest, Pepper had claimed and the photos would be magical.

If Bruce ignored the distant sounds of honking cars, he could almost believe they really were at one of the remote wedding destinations Tony had offered them instead of smack dab in the middle of the city.

When the wedding march started up, Bruce sucked in a breath. Clint made his appearance in a lavender tuxedo to walk Natasha down the aisle.

But Bruce only had eyes for his bride.

She was so beautiful in her strapless, cream-colored gown, her hair long and free flowing over her shoulders, and her smile blindingly radiant.

Bruce forgot to be nervous.

He didn’t pay attention to most of the ceremony. He focused on Natasha and his body went along on autopilot. Somehow he stayed upright and conscious, said all the right words at the right time, and when the minister pronounced them husband and wife, he leaned in for a gentle, chaste kiss.

Everything suddenly came back into focus and he registered the cheers of his friends, the congratulatory pats on the back and Pepper’s happy weeping.

Natasha slipped her hand into his. “See? That wasn’t so bad,” she whispered in his ear. “The worst is over.”

Bruce nodded. All they had to do now was get through the reception and they could go off together for a little peace and quiet.

Pepper had rented out a small, private room in a hotel for the reception. There was no dance floor and no DJ, just tables covered with nice linen and enough room for people to stand around and mingle with their champagne and finger sandwiches.

It was far from the wild party Bruce had been afraid of.

But of course Tony could make a wild party out of just about any situation. He got drunk pretty quickly and went around the room proudly telling anyone who would listen that he was the one who had set them up on that fateful first date two years ago until Pepper dragged him off.

Tony had even cornered Clint at some point but he simply took out his hearing aids, ignored Tony, and kept drinking his champagne.

And Tony’s best man speech pretty much consisted of him proclaiming, “I knew these two would be perfect for each other. The minute I saw the two of them I just knew.”

Bruce was a little embarrassed that his best friend was making such a fool of himself, but if that was the worst thing to happen at their wedding, they had gotten off pretty easy. He had read some pretty horrifying stories of people behaving badly at weddings. This, at least, was something he could laugh about later and tease Tony for.

After a few hours of happy mingling and eating, it was time to cut the cake. They had settled on a relatively simple three-tiered lemon cake with raspberry filling and smooth buttercream frosting.

Bruce wrapped his hand around Natasha’s and together they cut a small slice of cake for each of them.

Natasha smiled at him. “Who would have known that our first date would be practice for this very moment?”

From the mischievous twinkle in her eyes, Bruce knew exactly what was coming and knew he had to get her first. So as Natasha started to reach for her plate of cake, Bruce smeared frosting across her cheek.

Natasha let out a surprised yelp and Pepper gasped, her eyes wide with horror.

“Oh, you’re going to get it,” Natasha warned.

Bruce ducked her first assault and he managed to make an escape rounding the table. But eventually she trapped him in a corner and smeared a handful of cake across his whole face.

“I win,” she said smugly.

“Yes, dear,” he said. He kissed her cheek and rubbed at the smear of frosting.

“Both of you are behaving like children,” Pepper scolded. “You’re worse than Tony.” But she was smiling as she herded them together for a picture and they obligingly posed for a couple photos of their cake covered faces.

Tony stumbled up and put his arms over their shoulders.  “So, it’s your honeymoon night. Any big plans?”

Bruce shrugged. “Eat leftover wedding cake on the couch while we watch a movie?”

“Sounds good to me,” Natasha said.

“That’s so boring,” Tony complained. 

Natasha raised an eyebrow. “What did you think we were going to do?”

“Get drunk and go skinny dipping in the hotel pool? Go clubbing and bar hopping? I don’t know, something exciting. I set you two up in one of the best resorts in Hawaii and you just want to sleep the night away. Don’t you want to celebrate being married?”

“It’s been a long day and we still have a long flight ahead of us. A quiet night in will do us wonders. And besides, we  have two full weeks of vacation time to do a lot of sightseeing.”

Bruce nodded. “I’m really looking forward to it. It’ll be a nice relaxing vacation for us. Hawaii is such a beautiful place. Lush vegetation, breathtaking waterfalls, bright tropical fish, and clear water. If we’re lucky, we might even seen some whales and dolphins.”

“Whale watching? Come on, Brucie. You can do better than that. What about helicopter tours or ziplining? What about all nightlife and parties? When I said all expenses paid, I meant all expenses paid. This is your one chance to really party it up and do anything and everything. You’re never going to get another honeymoon. You should really make the most of it.”

“Not interested,” Bruce said. “We’re going to have a good time just relaxing on the beach. We don’t need to run around doing so many activities.”

“Unbelievable,” Tony muttered. “Hawaii is wasted on the two of you.” He downed the rest of his champagne. “I don’t know anybody else on the whole planet so resistant to having fun. You two really are made for each other.”

Bruce smiled at Natasha. “Yeah, we are.”


End file.
